Black Underwear

Originally posted in mid-July, 2008.

One of my favorite story tellers is my friend Cory, a twenty-five year old force to be reckoned with. Cory is spunky, loud, and always laughing about something. To her, no subject is off limits, and no company is exempt from what she has to say. The following story is, in no way, a good example of the extent to which this description of Cory applies.

I first met Cory at Cottey College, a two-year liberal arts women’s college in Nevada, Missouri. Tens of thousands of wonderful stories take place at Cottey, because of its very nature. Imagine a place where three hundred girls, ages eighteen to twenty, spend every waking moment together… in the middle of nowhere, with no boys to impress. That is the setting for this story. The time was either the fall of 2001, or the spring of 2002.

When we were Seniors at Cottey, nope, lied, when we were Freshman at Cottey, I was eating lunch around the big white table, well, they're medium tables, the circular tables in Raney Dining Hall, and it was me, and I can't remember everyone who was there, but I think Sarah Hutchins was there, and I know for sure Kate Robinson was there because the story is about Kate.

And Kate was talking about, ok, have you seen the movie "Ten Things I Hate About You?" Ok, there's a part in the movie where the younger sister is snooping through Julia Stiles's room, and she's like looking to see if there's signs of life, like is she a normal teenager or is she just like a crazy bitchy older sister, and she goes into her underwear drawer, and she pulls out black underwear. And she goes to the guy, the guy who plays Joey* or whatever from "Third Rock from the Sun," she's like, "Ooo, black underwear. You know what this means, don't you?"

And he's like, "I don't know, what's that mean."

And she goes, "Black underwear means she wants to have sex."

So we're talking about that, and Kate was like, "That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. You know, I have sex all the time, and I don't even own any black underwear. All of my underwear is either pink, or white, or they've got Pooh on them..."

And we all just kind of stopped eating our lunch, and we look at her, and we're like, "Gross."

And she's like, "What?" and I was just like... we just kind of look at her, and she's like, "No! No! No! Pooh Bear! Pooh Bear! Winnie the Pooh!"

And I thought she meant she had like, I don't know, shit stains in her paints, like bacon strips.

And so, so we're like, "Gross Kate, we didn't know you meant Winnie the Pooh," and she goes like, "No, Pooh Bear! Why would I tell you that? That's not what I meant! Why would I say that to you at lunch?"

And so we're all laughing really hard because we were all really grossed out because we thought she was talking about... having a problem with wiping, and it wasn't what we wanted to hear at lunch. And I've always remembered that because every single one of us, when she was like "or they've got Pooh on them," like we really thought that she meant like her underwear had shit streaks on them. I mean, would you have thought of Pooh Bear? No. None of us did, and then she was embarrassed, but you know, that was her own fault.

* The "Joey" that Cory mentions is really the "Third Rock from the Sun" character named "Tommy," played by Joseph Gordon-Levitt. He played the character "Cameron" in "Ten Things I Hate About You."

Cory/Cottey College stories will, no doubt, become a regular feature of this blog, seeing as both provide so darn much entertainment.